When my own three children were still in elementary school, a more “experienced” mother said to me, “The thing about being a parent is, if you do it right, you work yourself right out of a job.” I pondered on her comment for a really long time—years actually. I knew that one day my kids would become adults, move out of my home, and ultimately establish families of their own. What nagged at me, though, was, even when that day came, I wouldn’t stop being their mom. And they would still need me, right???
Now that my kids are 27, 25, and 23 years old, all married, and all living their own lives, I have more answers to my questions regarding the validity of that statement I heard so long ago. Short version is, I don’t say that to any other moms I know. It wasn’t helpful to me, and I’m not sure, at least in my experience, it’s entirely correct.
My relationship with my adult kids is definitely different from what it was when they were younger. However, parents still have the opportunity to stay closely connected and deeply bonded to their children, even after their transition into adulthood.
I have found the most difficult part of parenting adults (and their spouses to some extent) is finding the balance between offering support and respecting their independence. It can be challenging to step back and let them make their own decisions, especially when our life experience has taught us a thing or two they don’t yet know. It can be a delicate dance between phrases like, “might I suggest,” “have you considered,” and “I have a few thoughts on that.”
What makes it even more difficult is that when our adult children do make decisions that we don’t entirely agree with or face challenges we know they brought upon themselves, we take it personally. Maybe we begin to think they are making what we would call “bad choices” just to prove to us that we don’t know everything. Or maybe, we begin to feel that we have failed as a parent when our adult kids appear to take a detour off a path we know to be proven and successful.
Either way, parents need to remember that there comes a point in every person’s life when they become stewards of their own salvation, their own divine destiny, and their own choices. Whether we agree with all of our adult children’s choices or not, there is still much we can, and must, do to continue to foster the connection we seek with them, long after they no longer live under our roof.
Here is a list of eight ways parents of adult children can continue to nurture their relationships and still feel connected:
- Lead With Unconditional Love
Your adult children still need to know that there is never anywhere they can go, or any choice they can make, that takes them out of the reach of your love, and for that matter, the Savior’s love as well. There is nothing they can say or do that will disrupt their place in your family, and in your heart. This unconditional love is for them and can be expressed in such a way that you are not necessarily condoning all of their choices.
- Remember God Is Their Judge, Not You
Elder Dale E. Renlund recently reminded us, “Our job is to love—to love and minister in such a way that others are drawn to Jesus Christ.”1 This mandate must apply to our family members, and especially our children, just as it does to our “neighbors.” Our children were Heavenly Father’s children before they were ours. He, and the Savior have taught that They are the ultimate judges, and the responsibility to condemn others is Theirs alone.2 Besides, experience has taught me that They are infinitely better at judging than I am anyway.
- Respect Their Line Upon Line Learning Curve
We have seen a recent trend of children who grow up in very blessed circumstances to expect to have certain conveniences in their very first home away from the home they grew up in. As parents, we can readily see that temporal luxuries accumulate over time and are quick to remind our adult children of that fact. Yet, when it comes to their emotional and spiritual maturation, we expect our children to have all the wisdom and knowledge we have tried to instill in them during the very short 18 years or so they were with us. That is an unrealistic and unfair expectation. We must offer them the space to make mistakes and then learn from them. It’s hard to watch your adult children careen toward the edge of a very familiar cliff, and not scream at them to watch out, change course, or stop immediately. However, in order for God’s plan for them to work in their lives, we must be able to temper our reactions to their choices and understand they will also acquire spiritual learning and wisdom over time, just as they will acquire temporal possessions.
- Remain A Trusted Sounding Board
We may not be able to spare our adult children from making mistakes or experiencing heartache, but we can establish ourselves as a trustworthy ally and confidant even before they launch from the nest. When we have proven to our children throughout their childhood and teen years that we are a valuable resource of information, support, and guidance, they will continue to seek us out with their very big adult-sized questions and problems too. Reassure your adult kids that you are still, and always will be, there when they need guidance, just as you have always been.
- Cherish Who They Are Becoming
When your children were very little, you had big hopes and dreams for them. We all did. As they grow, it is very rare they will step into our vision for who they are and who they will become. Resist the urge to box your adult children into your dreams and your vision for them. They may already feel pressure to potentially follow in the footsteps of a parent’s career path, or a parent’s preference of who to date or marry, or where they should live as they raise their families. We must trust them with the freedom to become who they were meant to become to fulfill their divine destiny. Truly, we have “no greater joy than to hear [our] children walk in truth.”3 But, it must be God’s truth they walk in, which may or may not align with our truth.
- Pray For Them Daily
Your adult children are still “your children,” and as such, you still have some measure of stewardship over them. Continue to pray for them daily, especially that they will live in such a way to be able to receive the promptings of the still, small voice. Pray they will be open in their communication with Deity. Pray for their health, for their safety, and for love and understanding to flow freely between them and their spouse and their children. Pray for angels to be dispatched on their behalf, and pray to be what they need you to be for them at this stage in their lives.
- Praise Their Efforts
President Nelson taught us that “the Lord loves effort.”4 May we remember as parents that if our adult children’s efforts are good enough for the Lord, then they are good enough for us too. Praising our children for their best effort, and not overemphasizing achievement as they grew, yielded more harmony in our homes, more closeness in our relationships with them, and cultivated the development of determination and resilience within them. The very same principle will work now too. A child, even though an adult, will still seek the praise and admiration of a righteous parent. Liberally give it to them.
- Stay Humble
Our adult children will not attain perfection in this life, but neither will we. We will make mistakes too. Often motivated by love and concern, we will overstep, or we may even trample all over their independence at times. When we judge, or lose objectivity, or fail to respect their boundaries and their agency, gracefully and immediately apologize. In this way, you will continue to be their very best role model of how the Savior feels about them. They will continue to learn from the powerful example your life can be for them and how to find forgiveness, comfort, and peace in a very grown-up world.
Staying connected to your children through, and even well into their transition to adulthood is absolutely possible! In fact, you still very much have a foundational role to play and a job to do as a parent of adult kids. In hindsight, I wish I had been experienced enough myself to respond to that well-meaning mom all those years ago when she cautioned me that I could work myself out of a job. I wasn’t then, but now I know the thing about being a parent is, if you do it right, you will actually be able to keep doing it for eternity.
Sources:
1 Dale E. Renlund, “The Powerful, Virtuous Cycle of the Doctrine of Christ,” Liahona, May 2024, 83.
2 Mormon 8:20
3 3 John 1:4
4 Russell M. Nelson, in Joy D. Jones, “An Especially Noble Calling,” Liahona, May 2020, 16.
Dr. Lee Burdge, the founder of The Rock Star Parent, is on a mission to empower tweens to establish safe, personal boundaries and confidently say NO when faced with peer pressure. And, she coaches parents to become their tween’s best role model, most effective teacher, and biggest cheerleader.
As a chiropractor, educator, author, and mom, Lee knows a thing or two about navigating the challenging world of parenting. With her own three children all married and off successfully adulting, she has taken her experiences and expertise and created resources and online courses to help parents build deeply connected relationships with their children. Her philosophy is simple – no one sets out to be a bad parent, and often all they need to turn everything around are a few effective parenting tools and a whole lot of love.
Through her books, including “Becoming a Rock Star Parent: A New Approach To Build Your Confidence, Raise Happier Families, and Really ROCK the Parenting Gig” and “Parenting Tweens: How To Avoid The Most Common Mistakes And Ease Confidently Into The Teen Years,” Lee shares her knowledge and insights to help parents transition seamlessly through every stage of parenting.
Off duty, Lee can be found dreaming of ways to get to the closest beach, binging medical dramas, reading left-brain science-y stuff, and sending obnoxious memes to her kids on the family text thread.
Dr. Lee’s latest program, I Know How To S.A.Y.N.O., is not only a course for parents, but also includes a fun video where Dr. Lee teaches tweens her brand new 5 step refusal skill tool in less than 8 minutes. She knows that strangers aren’t the only danger your kids face in today’s world