“What did you do when you raised your kids? What is your secret formula?”
At a friend’s brunch, I was cornered by two moms. I was shocked to hear these questions.
I respected these testimony-filled, talented women. They both were weathering the storm of having their oldest child swim through the shark tank of high school. What do I know? I wasn’t born with the best maternal instincts. How could I offer them any advice on one of the most sensitive of subjects—parenting?
I have made a mountain of mothering mistakes. And, wait, am I now the “older” mom?
When my two oldest (of my four kids) were teenagers, I remember having the same desperate questions. At the time, I managed to corral “experienced” parents who had raised self-sufficient and active members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Their kids were all of the things I was praying for my own kids to be. How did they launch their kids into achievement in this world that feels so out of control?
Couldn’t these high-achieving parents give me some book to read, some group to follow on social media? The parents I managed to capture gave me a blank stare and the reply, “We just followed what the Church told us to do.”
Fast forward years later to my being cornered at the brunch with these questions. I had no clue how to answer these questions—especially since our family is so far from perfect and my mothering talents are so sub-par.
At the brunch, I managed to brush past my friends’ parenting questions, partly because I feel like I don’t know anything and partly because I don’t want to catalyze any bad karma onto my family.
As I reflected on these questions later, however, I felt guilty. I owed these all-star mommas more than a distant stare and a pat answer. But how to answer? I don’t know the secret formula. I know that I did try to follow what the Church asked us to do (at times half-heartedly), but I never seemed to be able to do everything. I have no miracle parenting solutions.
To answer these mommas, I could only come up with 12 things I DIDN’T regret doing that might have moved the parenting needle in a positive direction. (The regrets would take a much longer blog post!)
The following are my “Oh momma, I am so not sorry I did these things” momentum-building list:
- I was never sorry when I pursued making The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints an essential piece of our family routine (even if my efforts didn’t always yield a “high-priority” outcome).
- I never was remorseful for any Church program I tried to institute in my home (even if the application was a failure).
- I was never disappointed in any effort to give service, especially with my kids (even if we had a horrible attitude).
- I never fretted after I participated in an extra wrestle with the outside world for my kids (even if it didn’t change the outcome).
- I was never sorry when I invested in building our family culture (even if it didn’t seem like my efforts were creating any bonding opportunities).
- I never regretted doubling down on my personal or family Gospel study (even if I had underestimated the power of cumulative Gospel study).
- I was never sad when I was positive about people that we associated with at Church or at school (even if I had to dig deeply to find something nice to say).
- I was never distressed if I took, even a few precious minutes, some self-care time to fill my empty mom vessel (even if it didn’t feel like my bucket was being filled).
- I was not sorry that my kids were not the first in their group to get a car or a new cell phone (as much as it pained me that my kids might be left behind their peers).
- I am not remorseful for any time or money I spent trying to be with extended family (even though my efforts weren’t always producing any fruits in building relationships).
- I was never sad after I told my kids specific ways that I appreciated them (even if I had to dig deep some days to be sincere).
- I don’t regret any opportunities I took to show up to chaperone, coach, drive to lessons, volunteer, or cheer for my kids (even if they didn’t appreciate it).
Even though many of my efforts did not always play out as I had envisioned, if I had the chance to be a mother again I would make this list of non-regrets a priority. Mothering has its days of grueling routines, mouthy teenagers, and sometimes tight money. I just hope my momma friends know that their effort—even if they feel sometimes scattered and ineffective—does make a difference. The ripples they are confidently creating with their mothering by teaching the Gospel, holding to the rod, and cheerleading their kids are reverberating into ever-widening circles that will affect generations.
Your thoughts?
What parenting advice would you give younger parents? What do you NOT regret as you look back on your parenting journey?